You are pink. You are in limbo. Not pure and manipulated like white, not impure and noble like red. You are unsure of your real identity, but whatever you chose it to be, you can be it. That is your power. You change everyone you touch, and everyone remembers you. In literature, pink represents the place between heaven and hell. You are the one we will never forget.

What inner color are you?

Yep… blame it all in jazz and booze Ü

Bonding with Mabz last night. Nuod ng Chicago. But before that the ticket given to me was the wrong one so I had to go first to the porter of the said movie and have it signed and then go back to the booth and exchange it for Chicago. My feet were killing me after all that walking from Shangri-La to Megamall that I couldn't help but scowl at every person I come across to. When we got to Cinema 2 the porter was also having a hard time with a lady who's demanding he let her son in to watch the movie. She insisted that her son is already thirteen, though I myself am not convinced. Carmela, my youngest sister was really tall for her age before she turned thirteen, and there were numerous times we tried cheating her age at the porters of Glorietta and Rob Manila but failed. This boy was no exception, I could tell he’s eleven or twelve. Anyway, I handed the porter my ticket telling him my situation and have him signed it. We rushed back to the ticket booth to get my Chicago ticket and headed to Cinema 6.

Mabz: Tol, erata nung babae. Porke may pera lang noh.
Me: Oo nga eh.

People (ok, some) with money think they can always have it their way.

Today’s topic was Offshore Engineering. A very timely topic since we’d be doing the upstream mock project. Our guest speaker was Fred Schruit, a Danish piping expat who’s in the same project as I am. His presentation was informative and really interesting. You could just imagine the skills to be acquired by structural engineers to put up this kind of structures considering there's wave motion, wind, current, weather, structural twisting and bending and others to think of on design issues. Learned the different types of bottom supported and floating substructures. Learned that the Troll’s Norway oilrig structure is almost as high and heavy as Eiffel Tower. Learned that it’s possible nowadays to put well heads via satellite. At the end of the presentation the group gave him a Philippine eagle carved in wood as a thank-you-gift.

I just fell in love with this song.

Which Sylvia Plath Poem Am I?

by scintilla

****

And now i lie in ashes in my brokenness
And I'm amazed by all my ignorance
Cause I hurt you
And I wrong you
Yet I love you
So crucify me.....

...poem I dug up in one of my old notebooks...

... for you, chief...

Symptoms:

1. Initiating petty fights with my chief.
2. Hating my new haircut.
3. Having that unintentional snobbish-look.
4. Not in the mood for pa-sweetie effect.
5. Ranting, yelling at the house, and basically being rude to everybody.

Diagnosis: PMS-ing

hums...

i just wanna know what you're going through,
i don't feel wrong about askin' you,
but i can't read your mind
not this time...

****

I accidentally spilled my cup of drink. Bad trip. Nabasa ang keyboard at cell ko. Now my cellphone is dead, and I have to call IT to change my keyboard. Felt like crying while I was cleaning up the mess I made. Gandang simula ng week to, ah.

I had an exhausting but great weekend.

I was able to meet other people when I attended the B. M. Tutorial Center Orientation last Saturday. Most of them like me have permanent jobs and are working only as part-time tutors. Met a young man who is the youngest (he’s only 22) faculty member of UP Diliman teaching Math and Science subjects; a former professor in Ateneo; a retired high school teacher; bank employees and also undergrads. After the orientation I stayed for a while, engage in small talk and was able to exchanged phone numbers and e-mail address to some of them.

Signed myself up on Hands on Manila (HOM). I’m taking baby steps to be of use. Ü

****

Met up with high school friends Saturday evening at Al's (Gaid) place in Dasmarinas Cavite.

Had a talk with Warren. He told me he’s in love with this girl from work. She’s a year older than he is and she has a 6-month old kid. They are planning on boarding together near their office. I have never seen him this happy before. He’s got this happy glow that exudes in his eyes. I reached out to hug him and wished him the best.

just got promoted Ü

…slowly and painstakingly practicing the art of kaizen…

****

… I am once again playing the role of a love counselor…ang saya, kaaliw, di nga, sobra! (rolls eyes)

Was less nervous kanina… just imagined myself reading stories to a bunch of retarded children. It helped.

****

Manuel, the chat we have kanina really cracked me up. Dumi ng isip mo pre. But then again baka nga it’s my fault. Hindi kasi masyado specific yung pagkakablog ko… hehe.

****

Will be presenting the value creation today for CPU engineering students conducting their field trip today. There’s so many of them that it was decided that there would be three batches for the presentation. The first batch was last Tuesday and the succeeding batches will be this morning and afternoon.

Grabe, didn’t think I could finish two vendor packages this day. Wohoohh!!! Sir Rolly, one of the projects commodity engineers, started teaching me how to squadcheck datasheets. Am hanging out on every word he’s saying, wished I had tape recorder or something. Anyway, it’s starting to make sense. But still, I don’t think I ought to be in Engineering for my next project muna, I don’t have technical skills and field experience required for it. Please, ibalik nyo ko sa design!

****

I hate eating alone.

****

Got this interesting e-mail from Mitch. It gives a short description of yourself based on the month you were born. Read mine.

SEPTEMBER:

Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Trustworthy, loyal and honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

Volunteered to carry Paulo while her mom eats dinner. Am amazed how much he seemed to grow everyday. After two minutes my arms started to ache. Sat down beside Bart on one of the chairs near the television while gently rocking him. I could feel his heartbeat (slightly faster) against mine.

For a moment I felt a different surge of emotions washed over me. ‘Twas fantastic.


****

Can you please forget what happened between us? It won’t work. I’m sorry.

Back to work! Ü

*****

I find it really weird and downright ironic to be the one to give sane and ever reasonable advice to a friend in terms of handling relationship. As I read through our YM conversation the words I have been spewing out on it actually made sense. Does it really work that way? You can pinpoint exactly what’s wrong with another person’s life but you’re totally clueless on your own when all you keep on doing is figure out what’s wrong with you?

*****


Have spent the weekend with my friends at Kalentong. Came home only to do my laundry, sleep a little then went out again.

Went home Sunday afternoon.

Sometimes, I would envy them. They have all the time to be idle, hang out, play a game of darts and table tennis, or sleep all day after a night of drinking. I could have chosen to stay longer, but then I knew that the sheer idleness of it would bore me out easily.

Bargains I am willing to make to change my destiny:

... I made my first bargain with God when I was 7 until 13 (then I finally gave up) everytime we go to church on Sundays. Told Him I'd give up all I own (shoes, hand-me-down dolls, clothes, collection of stationaries and texts) and even ice creams after mass for my Dad to have a change of heart, and make my mother happy.
... I'm willing to give up my fair complexion for 3 inches of height.
... I'd give up my promising career for another career.
... I would give up everything to be with my soulmate.
... I'm willing to give up a quarter of my life to be able to find true happiness, and make a difference in the world.

Tell me yours…. Ü

I have so many thoughts swirling in my head.

But somehow I couldn't organize them and put it all into writing.

Can you help me?

I am so glad we're talking again. Really missed you. Ü

Tons of work today. Finally through filling up autoball valves datasheets. Wagi.

Am finished with printing 141 instrument datasheets. Have cut myself two times while piling up the papers.

Tangina, I should be wearing gloves. Baka madali ang wrist ko nito! *faints*

...a friend suddenly turned judgemental...

Sometimes, when we are labeled, when we are branded, our brand becomes our calling.

1. What was the last song you heard?

Don't Know Why? by Norah Jones. I heard it on the radio on the way to the office. Somehow I can't get it off my mind.

2. What were the last two movies you saw?

Last two movies... hmmm Bugsy and An Affair to Remember. Watched it yesterday. Me and my sisters are suckers for old movies.

3. What were the last three things you purchased?

A bracelet made up of tiny seashells at a bazaar in Festival Mall, make-up remover and a book.

4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?

Friday - girls night-out with Marah and Thess. This Saturday, there will be an overnight swimming in splash mountain (the same resort we had our college reunion last, last weekend) with office friends. Sunday I'd probably catch up on my sleep; stay lock up in my room and read Doctors.

5. Who are the last five people you talked to?

Abbie, Roxanne, Mom, Ruth, and Bart

? from fridayfive.

My eyes hurt. There's just too much datasheets to finish. I've got about 114 instrument tags to fill up and so far I have only 1/3 of it done. This morning another vendor datasheet came with 82 tags (ITT GOULDS) and 25 (SUNDYNE) tags, all for import. Can you beat that, baby? I don't know. I have to finish all of these by the end of the week.

I have this urge to talk to someone but decided not to.

Sunday - Pahinga. Tulog.

Started reading The Cider House Rules I borrowed from Abz.

***

KANLUNGAN

pana-panahon ang pagkakataon, maibabalik ba ang kahapon?

natatandaan mo pa ba, nang tayong dalwa ang unang nagkita?
panahon ng kamusmusan, sa piling ng mga bulaklak at halaman
doon tayong nagsimulang, mangarap at tumula

natatandaan mo pa ba, inukit kong puso sa punong mangga
at ang inalay kong gumamela, magkahawak-kamay sa dalampasigan
malayang tulad ng mga ibon, ang gunita ng ating kahapon

ang mga puno't halaman, ay kabiyak ng ating gunita
sa paglipas ng panahon bakit kailangan ding lumisan?

pana-panahon ang pagkakatao, maibabalik ba ang kahapon?

ngayon ikaw ay nagbalik, at tulad ko rin ang iyong pananabik
makita ang dating kanlungan, tahanan ng ating tula at pangarap
ngayon ay naglaho na, saan hahanapin pa?

lumilipas ang panahon, kabiyak ng ating gunita
ang mga puno't halaman, bakit kailangan lumisan?

pana-panahon ang pagkakataon, maibabalik ba ang kahapon?

lumilipas ang panahon, kabiyak ng ating gunita
ang mga puno't halaman, bakit kailangan lumisa?

pana-panahon ang pagkakataon, maibabalik ba ang kahapon?


*****

Renz' Place; Saturday March 8, 2003
Celebration ng B-day ni Abz

...Hapon kami nakarating ni bart kila renz.. tinda muna kami nga fishball and kikiam (pangastos namin sa mindoro sa lenten season)
...Laro ng table tennis
...around 7 pm, luto na spag si renz; abbie and me prepared garden salad; bart at aries luto ng tokwa't baboy; lad baby-sitter ni juan; ate donna taga kain, hehe
...There were 27 of us... ex-guardian and student council members, tibak, tambay, forever students, may anak walang asawa, me pamilya, and girlfriend ng barkada.
...Si Rodel pinapainom si Juan (one-year old na baby nya) ng beer. We were all singing our national anthem, love slash theme song ng karamihan - Panata't Pag-ibig.
...After that sinabayan na rin ng Kanlungan (Buklod). Syet, ganda nitong kantang to... it doesn't cost too much to be in love Rx, noh?
...Hatid namin si Clarissa sa sakayan. Before that bonding muna kami sa lugawan. Sabihan ng problema habang kumakain ng lugaw. Oi Rx, ano yang tungkol sa sex life na sinasabi mo? Meron ka na ba nun?! Di pa ko lasing nun ha, dami ka ikukwento da min next taym hehe...
...Medyo lasing na lahat, si Abe nagpapapansin na. Si Jojo nagkukwento na ng kanyang eccentric jokes. Pagnamatay daw si Dyani at nakuha ang kanyang bungo magugulo daw lahat ng teorya ng evolution. Pati yung ke Darwin, yung Big-Bang theory at lahat na ng mga inter-species na evolution maiiba. Hahaha. Kawawa si Dyani walang alam na siya ang pulutan hehe. Si Lad, nagsesentimiento... panay ang tingin kay Abbie. Di nakatiis.. dinaan na lang sa gitara, nagpatugtog na mga senti.
...Abbie - deadma, laughing-trip na kasi. Rx, tawa rin. Janis, ala-Monica Brava.
...Mcke, nagdi-dirty dancing na.. Norman, badtrip na ke Lad.
...Me, happy kasi I didn't drink too much... Sarap palang panoorin tong mga mokong na ito pagnakainom na hehe...

Have been overly productive today. Ü

Rx and I have been e-mailing on ways of finding the perfect gift for Abbie’s birthday. The guy’s name is Rocky. An activist, SANLAKAS member, recently graduated and we have no way of knowing his whereabouts. Great.

I have a date with 0.5 today. *blush*

tinatamad ako...

****

fwd email:

You may not realize it, but it's 100% guaranteed that:

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you. This is bullshit.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in someway. I’m running a list in my head.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you. Harharharhar… *my sarcastic laugh*
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep. Well, I hope they’re not having nightmares.
6. You mean the world to someone. I just lost him.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living. Whoa... Really? Who could that be? *feeling much better now*
8. You are special and unique. Yeah, I’m neurotic, indecisive, self-desctrutive bitch.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you. Hmmm…
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. I hope so. There’s been like a deluge of mistakes I’ve made to last me a fucking lifetime.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks. This one I gotta remember.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know. The last time I have been honest with what I'm feeling... hayy naku !
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great. Mabz, thanks for your patience. You’re my muse. Just feel free to whack me in the head the next time I do something really stupid. Roxanne, Abbie: missed all of you… sana matuloy na yung girl's night out natin.

Ms. Rissa invited us to come along and see the gym facilities at Fitness First, we ended up signing for its membership and one month fee for unlimited use of gym facilites. Hay, naku malalagasan ata ako ng 3k bucks. Now I'm thinking of backing out. Who the hell was I kidding, the last time I ever given my body a workout was eons ago and I have been consistent on being inconsistent when it comes to that. Another thing, it's here in Alabang which means we (Ruth and I) have to walk a kilometer away to get to a jeepney. We saw one of my favorite Project Manager came in, so we decided to stay for a while at the lobby (besides, we were waiting for Ms. Rissa) and take a peek at him wearing shorts or something. Heeeheee. When he came out he was wearing a shirt and shorts. Woohoooh.... I kind of heard Ruthie uttered 'delicious' or something, while me on the other hand just nodded and continued to stare. Buti na lang di niya kami nakita hehe...

Had dinner at PriceMart. We had DELICIOUS chicken baked roll and a slice of pizza. Thanks to Ruth's (gay straight?) cousin.

*****

Valucare Benefits Orientation at 8 a.m.

*****
Filled 2 cups of coffee with cream from the vending machine. You know something's wrong with your life when you look for perks in a coffee. Sigh. I'm going back for a refill.

Am saving my ym conversations from a friend .

maybe the next step up in a relationship doesn't have to be exclusivity -- maybe it's trusting each other enough to realize there's no need to be jealous when you're in love, and that no matter what, it's together forever.
-it makes perfect sense to me.

me too, kylee...

Work today was as hectic as usual. Three more vendor packages arrived last week and right now I'm filling up datasheets manually. I'm having a hard time deciphering handwirtten pdf files from Houston, though, so its kind of slowing me down.

****

Good news: The tutorial center I worked for last year called me up. I gave up tutoring when it coincided with my studies and my on-the-job training. For a while I thought I could juggle my time with it but Gale (my student) could not keep up with my schedule so I decided to quit for a while. They are inviting me to join the center they will be putting up in Makati. The meeting will be on March 22. It's a good thing they called. I'm planning on working part-time, just so I can be preoccupied with things all the time and therefore will not have much room for sulking and bitching around.

Despite all that happened to me today I choose to be happy. Anyway I still have something to be grateful about from these past events.

I learned from it and I am going to deal with it.

Buses and Trains (Bachelor Girl)

Hey Mom
Why didn't you tell me
Why didn't you teach me a thing or two
You just let me go out into the World
You never thought to share what you knew

So I walked under a bus. I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good. I want to do it again

Hey Mom
Why didn't you warn me
Coz about boys is something I should have known
Their like chocolate cake
Like cigarettes
I know they're bad for me
But I just can't leave 'em alone

I wanna do it again
Oh, felt so good

Hey Mom
Since we're talking
What was it like when you where young
Has the world changed or is it still the same
A man can kill and still be the sweetest fun

UP until now I'm still laughing my head off with my stupidity and resisting the urge to hit my head with a rock over and over again just so I can forget the things I did last weekend.

I am giving up alcohol for good.... eeerrr.... let me re-phrase my statement... I'm never EVER going to get drunk again.

*****

We had a real conversation. It could be classified as a sort of kodak/dear diary moment since before all we had are snatches of hi(s) and hello(s) or how are you doing and when i got to flirt with him a little while. And that's about it. But last night, or Sunday morning, in the pool, we really talked about a lot of stuff. Sana lang hindi ako ganun kabangag.

mabz if you're reading this right now... please tell me how the hell did i managed to change myself into a new shirt and pants yesterday? please?